This is the time of year when the gongs are handed out as a lateral flow test.
So in tribute to those who looked up to us this year:
The Cuprinol price for fence services:
Sir Keir Starmer.
A man putting the plank in wooden garden dividers.
Hopefully he has a dictionary for Christmas so he can check the meaning of the word “opposition”.
Not so much a Labor leader but a Deputy Prime Minister of Bozo.
The Pinocchio award for services rendered to pork pies:
A failed and shy soap opera actress in a multi-million pound California mansion whose relationship to truth, it seems to me, is as good as with her father.
There were 13 clearly dubious claims in the now infamous TV stunt.
Remember, Oprah Winfrey stuck her back, so she might have suffered to be fair.
The Donkey of Shrek Award for Services to the Teeth:
Advance (in a socially distanced manner, obviously) New Zealand’s own dictator from hell, Jacinda Ardern.
A Kiwi fruit loop that turned his country into a Covid prison camp with expats banned from returning home to see their loved ones.
During two years.
The Genius Award for services rendered to Scottish Eggs:
Never has a lurgie been as smart as Covid.
If viruses had IQs, it’s Einstein.
Because if you’ve been following the science of containment (polite cough) our spiked protein boyfriend can tell the time, know what you’re drinking, whether you’re eating a heavy meal, whether you’re sitting or standing, recognizes boundaries between Wales / Scotland and England whether you are at a business meeting or a party.
The bubonic plague lowers its head in shame!
The Gawd Bless Her Award for Service to Be Still Alive:
It’s been an annus horribilis (and, yeah, I spelled it right) thanks to her favorite son Andrew and grandson but, damn, his shift is a bit special, isn’t it?
Leading by example despite the grief of losing Philip is the very definition of duty and dedication.
We won’t see her again.
The Horseman of the Apocalypse award for services rendered to the Brothers Grimm fairy tales:
Seeing Doom and Doomer on TV can only mean one thing.
Turn around. Yes, although Mrs Brown’s Boys is the alternative to Whitty and Valance. In the funeral hands of this pair, even the good news turns into a potential grandma murder.
And do any of us ever want to hear the phrase “next slide, please” again?
Taking kids to the playground will never be the same.
The price of the cervix for services rendered to human biology:
A woman (adult human woman) who talks about being a woman is now a hate crime.
So thank you JK Rowling for bringing up the very insanity of the word “women” being some sort of profanity.
That doesn’t mean you hate trans people.
I still think the books suck a bit. Sorry.
The Can-Never-Unsee-That Award for Services to Video Villains:
Putting the dick in Hancock (and the aide he hired) has never screwed a politician so much in such a short time.
Nursing homes, curious contracts for pub owners, PPE, dedication to questionable data and hypocrisy and having to tell your eight year old that you are leaving their mom.
Yeah, gropey, ropey Matt wins the hand.
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